Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
