yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
