My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
