So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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