I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
