If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
