I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
it hurts more in the daytime
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
