apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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