I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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