i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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