Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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