So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize