I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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