I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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