Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
