hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
