i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize