You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize