His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
from now on my penis is your penis
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
