I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
