one two three fourrrrnication!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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