I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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