I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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