There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize