That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
