I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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