I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
