Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
two words...techno handjob
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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