It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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