You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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