Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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