Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
