My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
