Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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