I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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