My Higher Power is John Stamos
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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