remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
