Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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