is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
