a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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