I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
