Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
