Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
