I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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