i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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