I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Less talking, more tequila
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
