plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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