My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
