I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
