Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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