wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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