You just made me feel so damn special
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
