3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
barbara walters just said penis...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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