On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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