apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
