theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
