You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
